Why I’m Quitting in 2025

Posted on January 11, 2025 by McKenna Dean

I’ve been publishing stories since 2010, when my first book was accepted by a small press. Since then, I’ve written 19 novels under various pen names.

I made a decision to rebrand myself and self-publish in 2017, when two of the small presses I worked with stopped paying royalties to their authors. I re-branded again in 2022 when I realized that I wrote more mysteries than I did romances (though I’m stuck with this website domain name unless I want to start all over again from scratch).

Also in 2022 or thereabouts, I decided to spend less time on social media platforms I didn’t enjoy, and dove headfirst into TikTok. I didn’t abandon the other platforms–authors are expected to maintain a presence on a wide variety of sites–but I neglected them (and this website) in favor of my new shiny toy.

I’ve never had as much fun on a social media platform as I have on TikTok. Something about the format brought out the frustrated actress in me, and I had a blast playing with wigs, filters, costumes, and lip syncing to funny sounds. If I could make it relevant to my writing, even better. But unlike people who managed to parlay their time on the app into real income, or at the very least, a decent side hustle, I never hit the big time. Not as an influencer. Not as an author. But I met lots of wonderful people and I had FUN at a time when I needed it the most. I found an enjoyable community there, and I loved it.

It seems very likely that TikTok will be banned in the US shortly. Don’t get me started on that–that’s a whole other discussion by itself–but let’s just say that Google, Amazon, and Meta donated large sums of money to seeing the app got killed here in the US.

So, 2 years of work building a platform will be going down the drain. And I have to say, as much fun as I’ve had on TikTok, it’s been detrimental to my writing productivity. Every year I spend more and more time on marketing, promotion, and social media to the exclusion of writing. One of the nice things about TT was the algorithm was easier to master. But all SM platforms keep raising the bar on visibility, requiring you to spend either time or money there in order to be seen.

The bulk of my ideal readership is probably on Facebook, to a lesser degree, Instagram. The bulk of my sales are through Amazon. I’ve spoken at length about why I don’t have my books in KU, and only part of that is because once all other digital platforms for selling books is gone, Amazon can do whatever they like to authors. There are reasons why I can’t divorce myself from these platforms even though I have strong moral objections to how they do business. (Leaving Twitter was easy. Once Musk took over, it ceased to be a useful platform for authors. If you want to find me in a happier place, I’m on bluesky now)

And when I realized that the odds were high I was going to lose TikTok–and any traction I’ve worked to build as an indie author–something inside me just gave up.

No. I’m not going to quit writing.

But I’m going to take the pressure off of it.

I’m no longer going to jump through hoops to get noticed. I’m going to spend less time on social media period. I’m not going require my writing to fund my retirement, or make me a household name. I’m going to write because I have fun doing so, and stop trying so hard to make it a second (or third) job. I’m going to write the stories I want to read without worrying if they are marketable or not. If I pitch something to an agent, it will be for the fun of it, not because I’m hoping it will change my life. If I go to a convention, it will be to see friends, not to sell myself as an author. I’m not giving up on my dreams. I’m giving up on sacrificing joy for them. Honestly, at this point, the writing just has to break even and stop costing me money.

And while I’m conflicted about where I will spend my time as an author on social media, maybe the answer for right now is right here. Where I can release my thinky thoughts for people to read or not read as they see fit, without worrying about pleasing a demanding algorithm.

But I am going to miss you, TikTok.

December Events: Indie Author Winter Wonderland and A Cozy Mystery Party

Posted on December 1, 2024 by McKenna Dean

It’s December 1 here, and we’re experiencing a little light snow. Sadly, snow is a rare occurrence these days, so I appreciate the weather being cooperative when I’m planning some winter-themed events!

The first is that I’m participating in the Indie Author Winter Wonderland event hosted by Indievisible Events December 6-9. This event pulls in indie authors across varied genres to showcase their work at discounted prices!

The second is on December 8th, from 1:30-2 pm EST, I’ll be doing an author takeover as part of the HUGE Cozy Mystery Party hosted by the Facebook group of the same name. I’ll be talking about the Ginny Reese Mystery series, holiday baking, and pets in books, among other things. I’ll also be giving away a $10 Amazon gift card–which I’m sure can come in handy right about now! You have to join the group to participate, but you should anyway! They are always hosting some sort of cool and fun event with great prizes too. Just look at all the names of the participating authors in this year’s party!! I believe everyone is doing their own giveaway, too!

I’m already planning to attend as many of these takeovers as possible.

For the duration of these events, An Embarrassment of Itches (Ginny Reese Mysteries Book 1) will be just 0.99 cents for a limited time. Be sure to tell your friends to snag their copy if they haven’t read it yet.

A Nose for Death (Ginny Reese Mysteries Book 4) is with the editor right now, and we’re looking at a March 2025 release date. I’m hoping to have some launch party book signings arranged by then.

Also, I’m no longer on Twitter. I’m over on Bluesky, which feels the way Twitter felt in the early days before the feeds got throttled and linking to outside sites was frowned upon.

So, come join in the fun!

Finding Your Balance in an Unstable World

Posted on November 24, 2024 by McKenna Dean

The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I said, “I’m not okay.”

It’s not the standard response people expect when they ask this question. Usually the person asking doesn’t really want to know how you are, it’s something people say, like “Hot enough for you out there?” or “Do you have plans for the holidays?”

It’s the polite thing to say, a sort of conversational placeholder until it is your turn to speak again.

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been okay for a long time now. I’ve been walking the fine line between burnout and breakdown for what seems like decades, long before the pandemic and personal loss swept through our lives, stretching me farther than I could have thought possible. Recovering from that time period merely put me back walking on the tightrope, so to speak, instead of clinging to it with my fingertips.

To switch metaphors, there are times when you’re riding a galloping horse and for whatever reason–it stumbles or begins to buck–and you lose your balance. There’s a tipping point at which you know you’re not going to regain it and you have to decide if you should keep trying or bail–choosing to control your fall and landing. I’ve always been good at recovering my balance and getting myself upright in the saddle, getting the horse back under control and shoving my feet into stirrups again. But there are times when it is truly impossible.

Just when I thought I might regain my balance enough to make it to the other side of these past years–whatever that other side might be–I was utterly devastated by the results of the most recent US election. This may lose me readers and followers. If so, so be it.

I grew up in a Christian household. Church every Sunday, Vacation Bible School, and spiritual retreats. Weekly worship sessions were about learning how best to walk in the path of Christ’s teachings. Somewhere along the line, the message of sermons became unrecognizable to me. I saw doors close because members of a congregation would rather have their church dissolved than to let in the influx of BIPOC members of the community resulting from changing neighborhood demographics. I witnessed a kind, decent, and inspirational pastor be removed from his pulpit because his wife asked for a divorce. I noted the rise of authority figures within a church who became powerful and wealthy men in the community, leveraging their status into more power and wealth in the larger world of politics.

Sermons became less about the teachings of Christ and more about how “life is like a football game, and it’s the 4th down and time to punt.” I wish I could tell you I was exaggerating, but I’m not. I’ve heard the football sermon more times that I can count in more churches than I care to name.

For the life of me, I can’t understand how anyone professing to be a Christian can strike down against almost every tenet of Jesus. Who believed in feeding the hungry. Healing the sick. A social activist who had known hunger, poverty, and homelessness. An immigrant, a defender of the marginalized, a champion of the broken-hearted and the oppressed. Executed by the Roman government who saw Him as a political threat.

I cannot understand anyone professing to be a Christian choosing to sit down at a table Jesus would have flipped.

These last few weeks post election have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I fear for the future of my country and the safety of people I love. I know I’m relatively safe, all things considered. I’m a senior white woman in a loving marriage with a man who supports me as a human being and I’m well-beyond child-bearing age. We have reasonably secure jobs that pay the bills, even though I see major belt-tightening in our future because every time we have a GOP controlled administration, the economy suffers. But not every member of my family has these same privileges. The BIPOC and LGBQTIA+ members certainly don’t. The women in my family don’t. The planet and our future generations don’t have the luxury of taking a “wait and see” approach. And once you start sliding down the slope of authoritarianism, finding purchase to climb back up again is challenging, to say the least.

(I have to say, looking at the next administration’s cabinet picks, I should never give another moment’s thought ever to imposter syndrome. Ever.)

But my pendulum swings between rage and despair are shallower now. I may not be able to change what is happening to my country (and therefore, the world) but I can control how I react to it. I will not live in misery and fear.

As I have previously said, I write stories for the person who needs a few hours of escapism from their lives: the caretaker who needs some moments of respite, those who are chronically ill or in pain, the person who had a crappy day at work (or years of crappy days at work), the person living with crippling anxiety. More and more, I write because I need that kind of escapism.

So while you will see more Ginny Reese mysteries, I’m also going to write the stories that allow me to step into another world and forget my own for a few hours, regardless if they sell or not. I will spend less time on social media, jumping through hoops, aiming for a bar that keeps moving. More time with those I care about most, and doing the small things that bring me joy for as long as I can.

There’s a reason why, when you get bucked off a horse, you’re told to get back on right away. It’s because the longer you stay off the horse, the harder it is to get back in the saddle, to put yourself at risk again. Sometimes, the wiser course of action is to stay grounded and take a different path. I have the luxury of choosing a different path. I hope to use my privilege in more meaningful ways than I have thus far.

So while I’m not okay right now, I’m getting better. And I’ll be okay again someday.

The Possibility of a TikTok Ban is real…

Posted on March 9, 2024 by McKenna Dean

Most of you know I fell in love with TikTok a few years ago, and abandoned almost every other social media platform in its favor. I have so much FUN on the clock app. I get more engagement there than on any other platform. A Facebook page is of no use to me if only a fraction of my followers see my posts. I’ve met so many wonderful indie authors and discovered so many amazing books. TikTok allowed me to tap into a long-dormant flare for the dramatic that brought joy back into creating posts.

@mckennadeanfiction #booktok #cozymystery #cozymysteryseries #ginnyreesemysteries #mkdean #cozymysterybooktok ♬ original sound – Josh Patton

Come on! It’s funny! And I love the versatility of the filters to allow me to change my look on a dime, become different characters for silly little skits, and so on. Did I sell many books? Hard to say, though I’ll share one stat with you:

Last year, I did a stacked free promotion of An Embarrassment of Itches (Ginny Reese Mysteries Book 1). A few days before the Big Promotion, word of the free status of the book got out on a Facebook group. I got about 200 downloads. Everyone advised me to push through with announcing the special discount since the cat was already out of the bag. So I sent the word out through my newsletter: another couple hundred downloads. I posted to Facebook, Instagram, and what used to be Twitter: another couple of hundred downloads. I posted to TikTok: THREE THOUSAND DOWNLOADS IN 24 HOURS. The day of the promotion, I got another 4 K downloads. I’d given away free books before, and had not seen nearly the same success. The only difference is sharing about the promo on TikTok. And yes, that was a freebie, but I garnered more than 300 reviews from that free promotion, and many readers went on to get the next books in the series as well.

The proposal to ban TikTok has come up before, and like most users, I tuned into the hearings. Frankly, I was appalled at the lack of courtesy, respect, and basic understanding of the app shown by the members of Congress toward the CEO of TikTok’s parent company. I also felt like the objections Congress had against TikTok applied to ALL social media apps, including Facebook (and yet no one seems to wish to challenge FB on that…). TikTok denies data sharing with the Chinese government. Nothing seemed to come of it, and the furor died down.

I’ll be perfectly honest, when Live Journal moved all its operations to Russia, I refused to sign the new TOS for over a year, and then only agreed to the terms so I could delete my account. I firmly believe our personal thoughts, opinions, and passions have been combed by the Russian government to use against their opponents in widespread disinformation campaigns. I also believe Facebook’s love of the almighty dollar has done irreparable damage to the US political system by allowing the spread of misinformation go unchecked. So I can understand the concerns. Especially when China is one of the largest holders of the US debt, with something like 868 billion out of a 7 trillion debt.

But now the House Energy and Commerce Committee, in a rare bi-partisan action, voted unanimously to bring a bill to the House floor that would require ByteDance to sell off TikTok or face a nationwide US ban. This suggests to me there is a perceived (and serious) security risk by both parties.

But is it really? Or is that many of the creators on the app raise uncomfortable questions about Gaza, women’s rights, or any of a dozen or more causes I can name? Twitter used to be such a platform, and what happened? It was bought by Elon Musk and became largely a conservative echo chamber, and another pay-to-play platform, thus silencing voices with the most to lose and the least ability to pay to be heard.

Maybe I’m just upset because one of the few spaces I enjoy being online has become threatened with extinction, along with my ability as a no-name indie author to get word about my stories out there without spending money I don’t have. Maybe I’m just exhausted by the thought of trying to resurrect engagement on platforms that weren’t servicing me well in the past. Maybe the notion of getting on such platforms during an election year and seeing nothing but negative news and false information makes me want to pull my hair out. Or perhaps I’m sad at the thought of losing touch with the friends I’ve made. It’s no good saying I can do the same in other platforms: I can’t. The tools and engagement simply aren’t there. Not for someone like me, who isn’t young, beautiful, and thin.

So maybe I am defending my favorite platform out of a misguided assessment of any security risks it may pose. Those risks don’t seem any greater than any other SM platform that DOES sell our data and relentlessly pushes tailored ads in our direction. Or maybe I’m horribly wrong, and for the sake of national security, the app really should be banned.

I don’t know.

But I have to say, it’s starting to feel like the time for small creators of all kinds is over. Next up, AI replaces us all.

Twitter, Mastodon, TikTok and all that other nonsense #twitterexodus #mastodon #tiktok

Posted on November 7, 2022 by McKenna Dean

I confess, I’m a bit fed up with social media right now.

I don’t spend much time on Facebook unless I am participating in a specific group event or checking in with a particular community. I mostly cross-post to it, and have had some moderate success with Facebook ads.

But this past week, several of my ads have been rejected (won on appeal, but still) for no discernable reason, and in 7 days I’ve spent almost $50 without a single sale. I keep getting notices that my ads might not deliver because they haven’t been optimized, and yet the description of how to do this makes no sense whatsoever. As much as I was loathe to give FB any money, my ads there seemed to have a greater ROI than my ads elsewhere. Not any longer. I don’t know what’s changed, and I am exhausted by the notion that I either have to figure it out or pay someone else to teach me how to appease the new algorithms.

There’s a big #TwitterExodus afoot now in the advent of Elon Musk purchasing the site. Rumors of this event occurred back in April, but then he backed out, but was forced to honor his agreement. EM’s reason for purchasing the platform was to make it a private company and easier for people to speak more freely… which means that much of the ugliness and rampant misinformation found on such right-wing sites as Parler has gained ground almost immediately on the bird platform. For a list of all the massive proposed changes in just the last week, check out this list here.

Additional concerns about the chaos of misinformation flooding Twitter before the mid-term elections is here. Many big companies have paused advertising to see what direction Twitter will ultimately take, but EM himself cited a widely discredited website in a Tweet that implied the brutal attack on Paul Pelosi was not carried out by a far-right wing blogger but was related instead to an anti-LGBTQ “theory” about a skirmish at a local bar. The Tweet was eventually deleted, but there you are.

This kind of behavior, both by EM and on Twitter, has resulted in large numbers of the people I follow and interact with choosing to leave Twitter. Most are migrating to a site called Mastodon, which claims to be a decentralized platform that can’t be bought or sold at the whim of a single entity. Jack Dorsey, the original founder of Twitter, is planning a similar decentralized platform called BlueSky. Decentralized platforms mean you don’t just jump in and have content/people pushed toward you. You have to decide what toe you want to dip in where.

Most older people say this is much how the internet used to be–and they are embracing the chaos. To me, it feels like making the jump from cable to streaming: if I want to watch a particular show, I have to figure out what channel it’s on and whether I want access to it. The problem with Mastodon, is the search engine is VERY different. You have to know what server to join, and what “instances” to join (which are kind of like clubs on Discord, it’s all very confusing). The phone app sucks, and I’m not keen on given my information to a third party app such as Tusky (which is being recommended) to use Mastodon on my phone.

Then there’s the problem that while Twitter is an established platform like Facebook or Pinterest, and sharing buttons on media have evolved to include them, there is no such thing for Mastodon as it stands. Where I (or anyone else) used to be able to easily share information from this blog or other sites, it will take extra steps to share things to Mastodon. But if you want a primer on making the move, read this post here.

The important thing to remember is it is NOT Twitter. It’s been likened to entering a high school cafeteria with your tray and looking for a place to sit down with like-minded people, and I suppose that’s why my knee-jerk reaction to Mastodon hasn’t been good. I LOATHED high school and the clique-y mentality. I’m also at a point in my life where I don’t have a lot of time and I hate wasting it on learning things I may or may not use.

Many people are touting Discord instead, but instead of a high school cafeteria, Discord feels to me like a gated community, and you can only gain entrance if you know the password. Long, threaded conversations like you have on WhatsApp and in chat rooms have never appealed to me because I’m invariably late to the party and the thing I wanted to comment on was 50 entries back and everyone has moved off of it onto something else. Don’t get me started on Tumbler, which feels like a place where someone scribbles graffiti on a wall and others come by and add their own scribblings. The end result can be interesting, but it’s hard to have a conversation there.

At the moment, I’m spending most of my time on TikTok, which I never, ever said I’d do. I admit to having spent the last eleven months having a ridiculous amount of fun there but… and you knew there was going to be a “but” right?

I’ve scarcely written a word since joining TT. I’m spending most of my writing time drafting videos. I’ve learned how to do transitions, use filters, lip sync, and have bought a crazy amount of wigs and costumes. Somehow the learning curve it took to master TT has not brought me to teeth-grinding rage the way learning other social media–it was a lot more like discovering fandom and then teaching myself all the tools I needed to know in order to play in it.

At first, TT was a BLAST. I’m still having fun with it, but ever since publishing deemed TT was THE place to be (and truthfully, that was the only reason I made the leap), there has been a lot of pressure to be young, thin, attractive, and the kind of TT presence publishers deem valuable. There have been rumors that one of the big trad pubs told an author they couldn’t offer her a contract because she wasn’t young enough (she was in her forties…). There is also talk of publishers signing up hot young women and then pairing them with older women who ghostwrite their books for similar reasons–the youth and hotness are prime selling points on this platform.

Honestly, that doesn’t bother me that much. That kind of thing has been going on as long as youth and sex have been selling factors. But what does bother me is the rumors that TT is going to move to a paid subscription model. What bothers me is that I used to routinely get 300-400 views and now they’ve dropped to less than 100. TT is HUGE for making constant changes to the algorithm, and now the word is they want to be more like YouTube by offering longer formats (up to ten minutes) and you have to make your content searchable now with captions. It’s all about SEO to increase visibility and I get so darned tired of having to change something every time I think I have a handle on it. TT has been good to me in terms of sales. But it’s a time sink, I blame it for the bulk of the drop off in my writing production, and I’m not there in order to manipulate the ins and outs of algorithm changes. I’m there to have fun.

If it turns into another pay-to-play site, I’m gone.

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning, and my husband said something to me that made me do a double-take. I mentioned that I was so angry all the time, and he said that if I were an old white man, he’d say it was because I’d been watching FOX News. It took me aback because I’m about as far from that demographic as you can get… and yet I AM stoking my rage machine all the time over things I have very little control over.

Democracy is going to live or die one way or another. Same with our civil rights, climate change, the hope of a future for our children in a world running out of resources and becoming increasingly polarized and violent, and so on. My ANGER ALONE will not prevent these things from happening. I tell myself staying informed is the best I can do because I’m working so hard on every other front to keep my head above water I can’t spare any more energy for anything else. I’ve donated where I thought it would help the most, and I only get more begging letters and emails. I can’t stop what’s coming.

But I can stop adding fuel to a furnace already about to meltdown.

They say we can’t survive as authors or creators of any kind without social media. But I think I need to consider surviving as a person for a little while with less of it.

Am I TikTok Famous Yet?

Posted on January 31, 2022 by McKenna Dean

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

I first heard about TikTok in 2020. It seemed to be a place where people made short videos (not in my skill set) where they danced (so not me!) or make-up tutorials (interesting but how many can you watch?). I had ZERO interest to start an account or even watch more than one or two cute animal videos that friends sent to me.

I had a lot of concerns about the format:

Did I REALLY need to be on yet another social media platform?? Especially one that seemed to rely heavily on putting your face out there? Sure there are accounts where people managed to make entertaining content while not showing their face, but did they get the same following? Probably not.
Did you see the part about “entertaining content”? I’m a writer, not an actress, producer, or sound editor. There’s a reason I live mostly behind a keyboard.
The format seemed to be similar to tumblr, which I hated. A constant flow of bite sized posts with little way of tracking the ones you liked (or so I thought).
I have a LOT of reasons for not wanting my face on social media. I’ve had a stalker. I’m concerned my place of employment would take exception to the fact I’ve written a few racy romances (even though most of mine are fairly tame).
I kept hearing concerns about the security of your information, given that TT is a subsidiary of a Chinese-based company.
I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to come up with more than 1-2 videos before running out of ideas.
Almost everyone I saw on TikTok was gorgeous, and I’m not. I’m old, frumpy, and at least 40 pounds overweight. I grew up hearing how homely I was, and that the worst thing a woman could do was show her age and gain weight, so naturally, I did both. I absolutely loathe looking in the mirror. I’m not kidding.

So I resisted the urge to join. I kept hearing what a great place BookTok was, however, and the FOMO was strong. Then too, I kept seeing these hysterically funny videos by Alisha Rai showing up on my Twitter and Instagram feeds, where she depicts little conversations between Satan and one of his minions. They are utterly brilliant. Still, I held out. TikTok wasn’t for me.

But then authors kept saying what an AMAZING place TikTok was for discoverability, especially for smaller authors or your backlist. And I was mightily tempted. Maybe I could make some vids without showing my face? Mark Dawson did a five day challenge in his Self-Publishing Formula group, and I decided to create an account and make a few videos. Shabby efforts at first. I had no idea what I was doing.

But then I got snowed in for a 3-day weekend, and I watched a LOT of TikTok. I tried out recipes, started Tai Chi, laughed over cute animal vids, considered side hustles that would let me quit the day job, began watching makeup tutorials aimed at my age group (so frustrating that makeup tends to look TERRIBLE on me now), and got really, really frustrated with the poor quality of my videos. It reminded me of when I first joined livejournal and I didn’t know how to code or embed images and I wanted to play SO BADLY that I taught myself.

So I began watching a crap-ton of TT tutorials. And then I discovered that Canva had a mobile app that allowed you to upload your creations directly to TT! I learned out to change the font, color, and size of my text, and how to make it appear at exactly the right time in the video.

And then, God help me. I discovered the filters. I began playing with filters, wigs, makeup, and transitions I saved sound clips to use, got ideas from watching others, and became the queen of lip-syncing. I learned how to do the clever transitions, and have had a blast making short vids. Me, who rarely took videos and hadn’t the foggiest idea how to edit ANYTHING before TT. I was doing something I haven’t done in a very long time–probably not since the beginning of the pandemic–I was having fun. Okay, so not TikTok famous, and haven’t make a single sale as far as I can tell. And my friends were quick to point out that the filters and wigs weren’t disguising me–anyone who knew me would recognize me. I discovered then that I’d truly run out of f*cks to give. I didn’t care. Might my coworkers run across my videos? Yeah. Could I get fired? Maybe. But the thought of that doesn’t terrify me as much as it used to. I used to believe I was trapped, that I didn’t have the skill set to do much of anything else if I lost my job and jobs in this area are few and far between. A few weeks on TikTok, and suddenly I’m not afraid of that anymore.

BUT….

I haven’t written more than 100 words in the last two weeks. I’ve drafted over 30 TikTok videos, however. Sounds good, right? Only that’s about 10 days worth of content, according to the algorithms for getting notice on TT. I had the day off yesterday, and instead of writing, I made TT videos all morning long. I wasn’t sleeping well before I joined TT, but I was at least attempting to go to bed at a reasonable time. Now I’m often up past 1 am when I have work the next day. I’m hearing 15 second sound clips in my head all the time. My ability to focus, a little shaky already, has gone in the GUTTER. I also find myself picking up my phone and checking TT every couple of minutes. It feels like an addiction, peeps.

I suspect it’s like anything else when I first discover it–I dive in headfirst and become completely absorbed until I master the skills I want to use, and then my obsession will settle down. Moving forward, I’ll have to practice a little self-control. I’m doing a lot of things wrong, too. My posts don’t have any call to action, and I’m not staying in my niche/lane. I probably have more writers following me than readers. I’ve gained over 700 followers in 2 weeks, but at least half (if not more) of those are bots or men looking for a good time (seriously, you think TT is a dating app??). And sadly, I am not TikTok famous. Yet.

But that’s okay because, for now, I’m having fun.

Compassion Fatigue: or Why I Didn’t Share Your Post

Posted on September 13, 2021 by McKenna Dean

TW/CW for sad things tugging on your heartstrings.

The other day during work I got an email from an acquaintance. A shelter in the neighboring county had posted an urgent notice: they’d been inundated with puppies during the past week and if they didn’t find homes for them by the end of business hours that day, they would have to euthanize them.

Did I know of anyone who wanted a puppy? Like right now? Immediately.

I wracked my brains but couldn’t come up with anyone on the fly.

“Send me the link and I’ll share it when I can,” I offered as a stopgap before delving back into work.

But ultimately, I didn’t share the link. Let me tell you why.

You see, something about that urgent request to spend compassion currency that I have in dwindling supply broke me just a little.

I have to reiterate: it was puppies. Puppies that needed homes right away or they would die. But for the first time ever, getting hit with such a request rang the resentment buzzer instead of the compassion bell.

Whoa. Hold up there. Resenting an impassioned plea to help save at least one or two puppies? Doesn’t that make me some kind of Cruella de Vil?

Sure, I couldn’t do anything directly to save the puppies. But I could share the link, right? How much energy could that possibly take? How could I refuse to put out the word?

Well, there are a couple of reasons. For starters, there was the link itself, which felt very “click-baity” when I read it. “Help us! Puppies will die if you don’t come TODAY!”

Believe me, I know there is probably someone on the other end of that post, hoping against hope that they don’t have to perform the soul-destroying task of euthanizing healthy puppies because some irresponsible person let their dog have them without any intention of raising them and finding homes for them. And my heart breaks for that shelter worker. I know their pain is real, even if they couched their request like so many other posts begging for help.

But practically speaking, by the time I’d put out the half-a dozen or so fires at my job, which also requires a great deal of compassion, it was so late in the day that my sharing the post would have been too late for that litter of puppies. Perhaps it could have raised awareness for someone else out there looking for a puppy that they should check out the shelter, but the puppies in question? Too late.

And that’s when I realized that my compassion bank account was dangerously low.

Because every day we’re hit up with thousands of similar requests. GoFundMe accounts for medical or funeral expenses shared by our friends. Political organizations playing off our justifiable outrage over some restrictive measure that’s just been enacted, and if we don’t donate NOW, warning of the Bad Things coming our way. Just causes demanding we take action. Global catastrophes begging for our financial support. Legal funds for kids in cages, ripped from their families. Egregious acts of racism that deserve investigation and some kind of response. Missing children on milk cartons needing to be identified. And so on.

And yes, I realize that I’m speaking from a place of great privilege because I’m not the one begging for help paying my bills or needing someone to rescue me from having to perform a heartbreaking task.

I think of myself as a compassionate person. Professions that demand compassion tend to attract empathetic people, and I chose my career path years ago because I had compassion to spare. I donate generously to things I believe in because I usually don’t have the time to volunteer in person. I spent years serving as a caretaker to my father because it was my mother’s wish that he be able to stay at home rather than enter an advanced care facility. I trap, neuter, and vaccinate the stray cats that show up around my house on my own dime, finding homes for those that can be tamed and going to ridiculous lengths to take care of the remaining ones (see the expensive catio that I built for these furry freeloaders). I cried when the annoying trash panda, whom I caught three times before trapping the mean tom (who hisses and spits at me every day, despite being nursed back to health), got hit by a car.

I share things. The post about the homeless trans teen who needs help. The post from an internet acquaintance who needs help paying for her cat’s surgery. The posts about fundraisers, many of which I contribute to myself. The posts about organizations raising money to deal with the aftermaths of flooding, fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes. The posts where some mother is asking for likes to show her son or daughter how beautiful they are. I comment with sympathy on the posts of total strangers who have experienced a great loss.

My lack of willingness to share the post about the puppies, and the resentment the request generated, tells me I must draw the line somewhere. None of us are designed with endless wells of compassion. To mix metaphors, we can’t keep overdrawing our compassion accounts to spend on things out of our control. The constant withdrawal of coins to spend on people we don’t know will bankrupt us.

I’m not Cruella de Vil.

I have compassion fatigue.

Put another way, if I’d found a box of puppies myself, I would have taken them into my home. I would have had them vaccinated and dewormed, and tried my best to find homes for them all, while at the same time, trying to socialize them and instill some manners in order to make them the best possible candidates for adoption.

If the local shelter had a fundraiser, I’d volunteer my time, donate some money, and if I couldn’t do either of the above, I’d share the post about it. I’d probably share the post regardless, but in terms of doing something, sharing is the last on the list. I’ve said it before, but sharing posts without taking action is little more than virtue-signaling. It might make you feel good, but for the most part it accomplishes very little.

I wrote a bit about my struggles with social media in general a few weeks ago, and how I think SM breaks are necessary for our mental health. In that post, I mentioned this metafilter thread that my husband had shared with me: What’s Mine to care about and what’s NOT MINE to care about. The original post cited, as well as the discussion thread it generated, is well-worth reading. In the OP, If You Can’t Take In Anymore, There’s a Reason, the poster refers to the need for an emotional circuit breaker because our minds and hearts aren’t wired to care about everything that’s on fire all over the world at the same time, and if we don’t flip that breaker, our whole house will burn down.

I couldn’t agree more. So like the OP, I recommend you pick one fire to put out at a time, and you concentrate on the fire that threatens the things you care about the most. Battle that fire with all your heart and resources. Fight the fire you think you have the best chance of helping to contain, or the one that is the most pressing to you because it’s in your backyard. You can help fight a fire halfway across the world, if that’s the fire that’s important to you, but you can’t squander your limited resources on trying to fight them all.

Because if 101 Dalmatians show up at your doorstep looking for a ride home, you want to have enough compassion in the bank to get them there.

And perhaps if I wasn’t staring down at a compassion overdraft notice, I would have shared the post about the puppies after all. Because that is the sort of thing I care about.

Is it Time to kiss Social Media Goodbye?

Posted on August 30, 2021 by McKenna Dean

Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels

More and more people I know are discussing leaving social media altogether. Divorcing themselves from Facebook, Twitter, and even the relatively happy place, Instagram.

I’m not surprised, to be honest. Social media has become a toxic swamp, weaponized by those forces wishing to polarize populations and bring countries to their knees. Think I’m exaggerating? Remember the huge hate the latest trilogy of Star Wars movies received from supposed fanboys who hated the fact none of the leads were young, white men?

Welp, a post by Wired in 2018 revealed that as much as half the negative tweets about the film were politically motivated or generated by bots (a storyline worthy of the franchise itself, if you ask me).

It’s not just polarizing people over issues such as diversity and inclusiveness. Social media has become the place most people get their information these days, and the amount of disinformation out there, aimed at creating divisiveness at best and destroying nations at worst, is scary. I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, but when I see well-educated people in the medical profession or education supporting unverified, crazy theories over statistically-backed scientific reports, I’m concerned, let me tell you.

On a personal level, I find the damage it causes something else altogether. We’ve become addicted to doomscrolling, and because clicks are king, media outlets are creating provocative headlines designed to keep us in a perpetual state of outrage. My husband and I had a conversation about this the other day, and I think for many of us, we share these anger-inducing posts because it’s the bare minimum we can do. Most of us don’t have the time, energy, or resources to do anything other than share the outrage because we think people should be angry and upset over these important issues.

(Don’t get me started on the data mining these platforms do… how creepy is it that my husband and I talk about buying a new mattress and shortly thereafter, our feeds get flooded with mattress adverts??)

But the truth of the matter is not only is sharing bad news (and OMG, there’s SO much of it these days) completely worthless in terms of doing something about it, there may be great harm in doing so as well. It fosters a sense of hopelessness about our ability to change anything: from the impending climate disasters, to voter suppression and the march to invalidate any election results the opposition doesn’t like, from politicians who get vaccinated themselves, but tell their constituents Covid-19 is nothing to worry about, so don’t bother with vaccines and oh, by the way, get back to work, please. And when we get sucked into a state of despair and cynicism, then we stop trying to make a difference where we can.

My husband shared this great metafilter discussion thread with me, and I’m sharing it here with you: What’s MINE to care about and what’s NOT MINE to care about. It has some great things to say about limiting your anxiety over the things for which you have no control and what to do about the things you can affect. That you can’t fight all the battles in the world, but you can’t opt out of fighting any. And if all you’re doing is sharing outrage posts, how is that different from virtue signaling? The metafilter discussion was in reference to this post here, which points out we are not designed to handle all the suffering in the world, and that circuit breakers exist for a reason: to prevent electrical systems from overloading.

My friends, the majority of whom I met online, are moving off social media and onto other, smaller platforms, such as WhatsApp and Discord. The main reason? To keep up with each other during the day but avoid getting sucked into the mire of disinformation and ugly rhetoric out there. I can’t say as I blame them. I’ve taken Facebook off my phone. I’m considering eliminating Twitter next. Some of my friends have taken things one step further: they’ve deleted their accounts.

I confess, the idea of doing that fills me with a sense of dread. I’m a writer. I’ve been told over and over again that I must have a presence on social media. And without the backing of a Big Name Publisher, I suspect this is true. I need to keep hustling to remind people my stories exist, to build a newsletter following, to manage groups, to post regularly to all my platforms, to stand on the deck of the Ark amidst limitless seas, releasing doves again and again in the hopes of one of them eventually bringing back signs of dry land out there.

To consider eliminating my social media presence feels a bit like giving up. Like accepting that I’ll never be more than a small potatoes writer releasing a handful of French fries once a year. So maybe I won’t delete my accounts.

But I can be a better steward of them.

You want fries with that?

Photo by Dzenina Lukac from Pexels

Ooops! I Accidentally Published a Book!

Posted on July 28, 2021 by McKenna Dean

You may have heard that owing to a blunder on my part while trying to upload my first cozy mystery for pre-order, I accidentally launched it instead!

My mistake is your gift, however! An Embarrassment of Itches, (Ginny Reese Mysteries Book 1) is now available for only 99 cents and also on Kindle Unlimited for a limited time.

Ginny Reese returned home to her “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it small town” of Greenbrier, VA to help take care of her dying father. She’s used to seeing her share of the weird and wacky as a house-call vet, but nothing in her experience has prepared her for finding the dead body of a client floating in her pool. When she’s named the deceased’s heir, Ginny becomes the number one suspect–and must prove her innocence to the newly elected sheriff–who just happens to be her old high school boyfriend.

At least she can rely on her trusty German Shepherd, Remington!

Creating a new pen name posed some challenges for me, and I’m currently in the process of rebranding the site. My Twitter and Instagram accounts will share both information from McKenna Dean and M.K. Dean, as will my newsletter, but if you’d like to follow M.K. Dean on Amazon, Goodreads, M.K’s Facebook page, and BookBub, here are the links.

I would appreciate any follows–my new pages are so empty! 🙂

Ten Ways to Cope with Toxic News Cycles

Posted on January 11, 2021 by McKenna Dean

I went back and forth over how to title this post.

“Unsettling” seemed too anemic a term to describe the insurrection that took place in the Capitol just four days ago. I rejected “apocalyptic” because while it may be true, it felt like hyperbole. “Revolutionary”, while also accurate, is a term most often used to describe the good guys.

But “toxic” fit the bill.

I’ve written about distraction before. A lot, actually. And inability to focus or to find the energy to be creative is nothing new for me. I’ve been struggling with these issues for the last several years–the last four years, to be exact. But the stark reality is this:

Nothing is going to change.

You read that right. I don’t mean that everything is going to remain static; that things will neither get better nor worse. Given our current trajectory, things are probably going to get much worse before they get better, if indeed, they still can. What I mean by this harsh statement is that things are always going to be in turmoil, the news is almost always going to be terrifying, the year that we look forward to with hope as being better than the last is almost certainly to disappoint.

We’re going to have to adapt if we want to live our best lives.

I saw a question making the rounds on Twitter this morning asking if those over 30 could remember so much crammed into a single news cycle. After all, this week brought us both Bean Dad and a violent takeover (at the instigation of the current president and others) of the Capitol while Congress was preparing to certify Biden as the next President of the United States. Yes, both these events happened in the same week. I mention Bean Dad because that already seems like months ago. Life comes at you fast these days.

The response of the over-30 crowd on Twitter was interesting: it’s not just that the news cycles have become shorter with more horrific events. It’s that we can never get completely away from them either.

So the real question is what are we going to do about it?

I took this quote from a post I wrote last February:

But I’m noticing a greater tendency on my part not to want to do anything but mess around online. Stay home in front of the laptop or with the phone in hand. If I could order my groceries and do all my banking online, I’d never leave the house on my days off. It’s an effort to put the dogs in the car and take them out for a run in the national forest or go horseback riding–things I used to love doing. I keep looking at my watch and thinking, “I have this block of time I need to use for writing!” only I pick up the phone, and four hours later, I haven’t typed a single word in the WIP.

A few days after posting that, because of the pandemic, my husband and I made the decision to split our households into those who could WFH and those who could not. And now I do order my groceries and do all my banking online. I’ve stopped riding because I didn’t feel comfortable going to a public boarding barn where I was leasing a horse. And while I can still take the dogs out for a run in the woods, I don’t do that nearly as often as I could.

I waste my precious available time doomscrolling.

And again, rather than stating the obvious, the question is what am I (and you) going to do about it?

I snagged this bit of advice (that I should have taken!) from the previous post:

Just in time for this post, I came across this old Twitter thread from former CIA personnel, Cindy Otis. (I know, right? The irony…) In it the OP talks about toxic news cycles and how to cope. She doesn’t advocate ignoring the news–and she’s right, it won’t go away. But she outlines positive steps to take to make yourself feel better. You can check out the link or follow the tips here:

Take Action: Volunteer. A hard one for me, I admit because I’m already on compassion burnout as it is. But that’s why I give money when I can’t give time, and why I focus on local rather than national or international efforts. You need to see the benefits of your kindness. Do it. (I should add here that I participated in a small way in Romancing the Runoff this year, which generated over $400,000 to support getting the vote out in Georgia, and helped flip the Senate–so even small efforts can make a difference!)
Accept Your Limits: The flip side of the first, true. But critical. Remember, if the O2 mask drops down on the plane, you have to put YOUR mask on first before attempting to help others. You can’t do anything if you’ve passed out from lack of air.
Research before Panicking: particularly important in this age of disinformation. Check your facts before sharing that post. For all you know, the crisis you’re sharing may have already been resolved by the time you hit ‘send’. Or it may not even be true.
Get up and Move: that’s right. Unplug. Turn off the phone, go outside, play with the dog, call a friend. Your body and brain needs a break from stressful content but also you need to release that negative energy. Even if you don’t feel like taking a walk, do it. You’ll feel better afterward.
Set Rules: I like this one. No Social Media after a certain time. Only fiction reading at home. Whatever works best for you. Shut out the negative so you can recharge.
Avoid Dark Holes: Don’t go down the rabbit hole of one bad news story after another. Don’t succumb to clickbait. Deal with one thing at a time. Don’t get yourself wound up about the coronavirus and then leap to climate change and then hyperventilate about how unprepared we are for all of this and how the next thirty years is going to break us as a society and species… Ooops. That was kind of specific, I see. You see what I mean, though.
Have Fun, Darn it: Another tough one. It’s hard not to feel guilty having dinner with friends or enjoying a movie when the world is on fire. But the thing is, enjoying those little things is what life is all about. And sharing our fandom squee, or a beautiful photograph, or the joy of bringing home a new puppy or kitten doesn’t mean we’re shallow, terrible people because the world is going to hell in a handbasket and we’re not screaming about it. It’s all part of recharging. It’s all part of making sure we’re rested for the next fight.
I added this one myself: Celebrate Your Wins: No matter how big or small. Because that’s what life is about too. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for sharing about your new book or your concert tickets or pictures from that awesome vacation (pre-pandemic). Because that’s what life’s about too. The things that make us happy.
Adding this one today: Treat doomscrolling like any other addiction. Because that’s what it is. And believe me, it’s hard to cut yourself off from your phone when you’re supposed to be staying at home because of the pandemic. But if you find yourself unable to stop bingeing on potato chips, perhaps the answer is to stop buying chips. My life seems full of mostly bad habits right now. I’m trying to cope any way I can, and most days I feel like the character from Airplane! You know, “This was the wrong week to give up <insert escalating vice here>. But the only one who can stop me from indulging is me.
Adding this one too: JUST START. If you want to write, knit, paint, do a puzzle, regain fitness, journal, learn a second language, get a degree, whatever. Just. Start. A word after a word after a word is a sentence. If you are stalled out creatively by the endless toxic news cycles, throw out the idea that it must be perfect or that you must complete it by such-and-such date. You may have heard the advice you can’t edit a blank page (Jodi Picoult) or that the water doesn’t flow until the faucet is turned on (Louis L’Amour). Well, it’s true. And if that faucet has been off a long time, at first the water will be tinged with rust and may only trickle out, but given enough time, it will run clear again. But only if you turn the valve.

Now excuse me while I go walk the dogs. I said that in February 2020. I’m saying it again today. Because it’s always the right answer.